Always True to You in My Way
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After being fed up of Harley Quinn's tumultuous relationship with the Joker for the last time, Selina Kyle and Poison Ivy decide to show Harley just what kind of scum the Joker is...by trying to seduce him. Needless to say, Harley is less than pleased.
1. Chapter 1

**Always True to You in My Way**

"Where is Harley?" demanded Selina Kyle, glancing at her watch for about the thousandth time.

"She'll be here," replied Poison Ivy. "She's probably just been detained by the clown."

"Well, we've only got the room until 3.30, so she'd better hurry the hell up!" snapped Selina. "Have you tried calling her?"

"Her phone's off," retorted Ivy. "It always is when she's with him. Doesn't want any distractions from her true love. I think she only has a phone so he can call her when she's away and tell her to do stuff."

"Pathetic little brat," muttered Selina.

"Now c'mon, Selina, don't talk about her that way," said Ivy. "You know I agree with you about her and the clown's relationship, but I don't like to hear Harley insulted, either by him or you."

Selina sighed. "Yeah, sorry, I'm just in a bad mood," she muttered. "I want to start rehearsing as soon as possible to get my mind off things."

"By things, do you mean a certain Bat?" asked Ivy.

Selina nodded. "I keep offering, and he keeps refusing. There's only so much playing hard to get a girl can take before she just gives up altogether."

"Probably a good plan," said Ivy, nodding. "He doesn't seem like a very dependable guy. You know he'd always put you second to criminals like the Joker."

"Just like Harley, then," muttered Selina, glancing at her watch again.

"Hi Red! Hi Selina! Sorry I'm late!" cried Harley Quinn, striding into the room. "Mr. J needed…"

"It doesn't matter, Harley, let's just get started," interrupted Selina.

"O…K," said Harley, slowly. She shrugged, and then climbed up on stage to join Ivy and Selina. "Aw, this is gonna look great!" she exclaimed, beaming at them. "I just know we're gonna win first prize!"

"We ain't gonna win anything if you don't shut up and start dancing!" snapped Selina.

Harley looked at Ivy, who mouthed "Batman." Harley nodded and took her position, waiting for the music to start playing.

The Annual Gotham City Police Department's Ball was taking place in a week, and a talent show had been organized as part of the festivities. What the organizers didn't know was that the criminals of Gotham City had decided to crash the party and perform their own talent show before slaughtering the guests, after prizes had been awarded, of course. Every supercriminal in Gotham was expected to attend, and being the narcissistic egotists they all were, everyone was putting great effort into their acts for the show. The Gotham City Sirens were going to perform the song _Single Ladies, _with Selina leading the routine and Harley and Ivy as the two backing dancers. And all appeared to be going smoothly as they practiced, until Harley interrupted the routine by shrieking, "Puddin'!"

Ivy looked to see that the Joker had entered the room, smiling at them. Selina gave a growl of annoyance, and, seizing her whip, snapped off the music.

"Oh, don't let me interrupt, ladies!" chuckled Joker. "I'm enjoying it, really! Certainly the kinda routine that makes your spirits rise! Makes something else rise too, if you know what I mean," he giggled.

"Yeah, I get it," growled Selina. "What are you doing here, Joker?"

"Just need a quick word with my Harley girl," he said, beckoning her.

Harley squeaked happily and jumped off the stage, rushing over to kiss him. Selina watched her fawning in disgust, and then glanced pointedly at the clock and started tapping her foot impatiently.

"You wanna hurry it up?" she snapped.

"Geez, Kitty, who put crap in your catnip?" chuckled Joker.

"She's just a little irritated because of the Bat, Mr. J," explained Harley. "He's still being distant."

"Ah. Missing sliding down the Batpole, huh, Selina?" asked Joker, grinning at her. "Well, I'm sure he'll come to his senses soon. Oh, who am I kidding? The guy's totally nuts, and always will be!" he laughed.

"I'm actually irritated because we're trying to rehearse within a limited time frame, and you're taking up time, so just beat it, would ya, you disgusting creep?" snapped Selina.

Joker smiled. "Yes, of course, I'll leave you ladies to it. Buh bye, pumpkin pie," he cooed, kissing Harley tenderly. "Daddy loves you very much, yes he does."

"Oh, puddin', I love you too," breathed Harley. "I'll be sure to pick up the dry cleaning on the way home, and stop by the supermarket. You need anything else but chocolate milk?"

"Well, I wouldn't say no to a little whipped cream for playtime, pooh bear," he chuckled. "Might be in the mood for a little whoopie pie tonight."

"Oh, Mr. J!" gasped Harley, beaming. "Oh yes, please, puddin'!"

"I'll see you later, my scrumptious little cupcake," he murmured, grinning. "You girls have fun! Bye, Selina! Pammie!"

The other two glared at him until he left the room, with Harley gazing after him in adoration. "Let's get back to work," muttered Selina. "Harley! Stage! Now!"

Harley rejoined them and Selina started the music again. They had only got about halfway through the routine when Selina noticed that Harley wasn't quite getting the moves right, and smiling and giggling occasionally. She followed her gaze to the window, where she saw the Joker was blowing kisses at Harley. He noticed Selina staring and waved cheerfully.

Selina seized her whip again, snapped off the music, and then struck at the window. Joker laughed, waved again, and left. "Harley, will you please concentrate?!" demanded Selina, rounding on her. "Do you even understand what this song is about?!"

"Sure I do, Selina," said Harley, nodding. "It's about a woman who's broken up with her soulmate, and tries to make herself feel better about the heartbreak and eternal loneliness by over-compensating about her own self-worth and blaming him for not marrying her. Kinda a tragic song when you really think about it."

"That's not at all what it's about!" shouted Selina. "It's about a woman's reassertion of her confidence and self-esteem after she's broken up with a man who took her for granted and treated her like crap! It's a song about female empowerment and self-respect, not that you have any idea what that is!"

"Look, Selina, I know things ain't right between you and the Bat, but that's no reason to go around making everyone else feel as worthless as you do," retorted Harley. "Why can't you just be happy for those of us who have found true love, rather than trying to inflict your bitterness and misery upon us?"

And that was the final straw. "True love?!" shrieked Selina. "You call what you and that slime have true love?! An abusive, one-sided, utterly dependent and sick relationship where he just uses you, and you're too stupid to see that's what he's doing?!"

"I ain't stupid, Selina!" shouted Harley. "You don't understand us, and you don't know him, so don't talk that way about him! He loves me!"

"Listen to me, you stupid little fool," hissed Selina. "He doesn't love you. He doesn't even know what that is. You don't mean anything more to him than anyone else – you just allow him to take advantage of you, so he keeps you around because you're useful. He doesn't respect you, and he doesn't respect your relationship. He would be just as willing to sleep with either of us, but you're the only one sick enough to actually let him…"

And that was the final straw for Harley, who struck Selina a harsh blow to the face. "You're a liar!" she screamed. "Mr. J would never cheat on me! He loves me, and only me!"

It was about to descend into a fight, but Ivy stepped in between them. "Just let it go, ladies!" she snapped. "Now calm down! We need to be friends if we're going to win this talent show, so let's just apologize for the wrong that was said on both sides and move on!"

"I am never going to apologize for speaking the truth about the clown!" shouted Selina.

"Then I ain't gonna work with you no more!" shrieked Harley. She jumped off the stage and headed for the door. "Until you say you're sorry, I ain't performing this song! I'm gonna go plan a dance routine with Mr. J! At least he respects me!"

"Jesus Christ, Harley, you really are a dumb blonde, aren't you?" demanded Selina.

Harley stuck her tongue out at her and then left the room, slamming the door after her. "Selina, please," said Ivy, soothingly. "Why can't you just…"

"Because it's not right, Ivy!" interrupted Selina. "You know it's not right, and I'm not going to stand for it any longer! I am sick of putting up with the clown's fawning little doormat! Harley has to see the truth! She has to see that slime for what he is!"

"Good luck with that," retorted Ivy. "I've been trying to get her to see that for years. What's your bright idea for suddenly making it work now?"

Selina was silent. "I don't want to hurt her, not really," she muttered. "But she does deserve to be hurt for some of the things she said. And I want to help her. And you can't really help people see the truth without hurting them a little…"

"What are you thinking, Selina?" asked Ivy.

Selina looked at her. "I'm thinking that the two of us, individually, should try to seduce the clown."

Ivy stared at her. "Excuse me?" she gasped.

"We should try to seduce the clown," repeated Selina. "Not go all the way or anything, just get him all hot and bothered and ready to go all the way, and have it videoed or something. And then show the tape to Harley. She can't deny it if she sees the proof in front of her eyes."

"You don't think she'd still try to deny it?" asked Ivy. "Say it's fake or a trick or he was mind-controlled…"

"Well, don't kiss him, Ivy," said Selina.

"Yeah, that's not something I was ever going to do, I'll be honest," retorted Ivy.

"If we both do it seperately, what are the chances of it being a trick or a fake?" asked Selina. "Besides, nobody can do that good an impression of the clown. Harley will have to believe it when she sees and hears him with her own eyes."

"And then what?" asked Ivy. "She'll have a broken heart. You think she'll want to perform after that?"

"I think she'll find the song a lot more empowering," retorted Selina. "And she'll be better off in the long run, you know that, Ivy."

Ivy nodded slowly. "Still…it's a lot to do for a friend," she muttered. "I loathe the clown."

"So do I," agreed Selina. "But we're doing it for Harley."

"You're doing it to get back at Harley," snapped Ivy. "And probably the Bat. I imagine you'll send a copy of it to him."

Selina smiled. "How did you guess? That should make the inconsiderate bastard jealous of what he's lost. Anyway, it'll be for Harley's own good."

"Yeah," sighed Ivy. "But it's not gonna be pleasant for either of us, Selina."

Selina shrugged. "Maybe the clown will surprise you. He's been known to do that."

Ivy sighed again. "The things I do for friendship," she muttered.


	2. Chapter 2

Harley was staring at the blank document on the computer screen, the little black bar blinking hypnotically at her as she held her chin in her hands. The Joker entered the room at that moment. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Writing a novel," Harley replied, not turning around.

"Yeah?" He glanced at the blank page. "Looks riveting," he commented. "Really exciting, innovative use of language there."

"I'm planning it out in my head first," retorted Harley. "That's as important as the actual writing process."

"So what's it gonna be about?" he asked.

"It's gonna be a romance novel about the powerful love between a dangerous, experienced man and an innocent young girl – those are really popular these days," said Harley. "It'll make us a ton of money, especially if there's a lot of explicit sex in it." She turned to him and grinned. "Wanna give me a little inspiration, Mr. J?"

"Aw, I'd love to, pooh, but I can't," he said, kissing her. "I gotta go out."

"Out? Where?" asked Harley.

"Roof of the Natural History Museum – Selina wants to meet me there," said Joker, pulling on his suit. "I'm guessing she wants to steal something and needs my help, though that seems kinda odd. She's never wanted help stealing things before, and she's perfectly capable of cat burglary on her own."

"Oh," muttered Harley, turning back to the computer screen and glaring darkly.

"You still mad at her?" he asked.

"I don't like people insulting you, puddin'," she growled.

Joker chuckled. "Sticks and stones, baby," he murmured, kissing her. "People have said a lot worse about me. Anyway, you should cut the poor kid some slack – it can't be easy being in love with the Bat. He's emotionally distant, doesn't appreciate all the trouble you go through setting up schemes and plotting crimes, just takes you for granted and then gets his fun by slapping you around. And yet people still love him, and devote their lives to him, hoping he'll change. Poor, misguided bastards," he sighed.

"Yeah, I guess," agreed Harley. She watched him as he finished dressing, and sprayed on his cologne, then came over to tie his bowtie. "Mmm, you smell gorgeous, baby," she breathed.

"Yeah, it's a new fragrance," he said, looking at the bottle. "Sandalwood and ginger. Manly yet sensitive, like me."

"Mmm, yeah, and a real turn-on, like you," breathed Harley, kissing him. "You should stay home, puddin'. We could go to bed. I could get the whoopie cushion and the whipped cream and we could make a little whoopie pie. I'm sure you'll want seconds."

He chuckled. "I'll be back soon, pooh, don't you worry," he said, patting her head. "See ya later, kid."

Joker was in high spirits, and whistled as he climbed the fire escape to get to the roof of the Natural History Museum. "Hello, Kitty!" he exclaimed when he saw Selina waiting for him. "Have I ever told you that I love your…"

Whatever he was going to say was suddenly cut off as Selina seized his face in her hands and kissed him passionately. Joker was stunned to say the least, too stunned to respond, and just stared at her as she drew away. "Oh, Joker," she breathed, gazing at him and running a finger down his cheek. "You came."

Despite his shock, Joker was never one to pass up a joke. "Nah, it takes a little more than kissing for that to happen, toots!" he chuckled.

Selina grinned. "Well, tell me what it does take, and I'll do my best to make it happen," she whispered, pulling him closer to her.

"Look…hey…down, Kitty!" he snapped, shoving her hands away. "Just what do you think you're doing? Is this a joke?"

"Oh no, it's no joke," she breathed.

"Well, that's a shame, because I might have gone along with it if I was," he retorted. "You wanna explain yourself then?"

"What's to explain?" whispered Selina. "I want you. I've always wanted you. I've tried to deny my feelings for a long time, but now I finally see that all my attraction to Batman was just a sublimation of my desire for you. I've finally realized it, so don't make me wait any longer. Let's make love," she whispered, seizing him again.

"What…here?" he stammered. "Now?"

"Yeah," she breathed, grinning. "I'm an outdoorsy kinda girl. And I feel like being a really, really bad kitty," she whispered, reaching down for his belt.

"Hey, just a minute, toots!" he snapped, breaking away from her. "Hands off the goods! I understand, I really do, I'm a pretty irresistable guy. If I were a dame and I couldn't have me, I'd probably go out and kill myself! But just what the hell kinda guy do you think I am? You think I don't value my relationship? You think I could ever break the poor kid's heart by doing something like this?! Well, you're wrong! I ain't gonna sacrifice everything we have for some loose floozy! You ain't gonna drive a wedge between me and him!"

"Him?" repeated Selina, puzzled.

"Yeah, Bats!" snapped Joker. "Who do you think I'm talking about?!"

"Well…Harley," retorted Selina.

"Yeah, her too, I guess," he said, shrugging. "But you're Batsy's gal, and I ain't the kinda guy who starts fooling around with his dame! Bats before cats, and all that jazz! Now if you had come to me, and said 'I wanna play a joke on the Bat by setting up the two of us as a couple,' I would have listened, and if I thought it was funny, I might have gone along with it. But this earnest declaration of love for me, alone and secluded, under the moonlight…well, it makes me kinda sick, Kitty."

"Batman and me are through, Joker," murmured Selina. "I'm not his gal. You won't hurt him by having me…"

"The hell I won't!" he snapped. "Bats is crazy about you, toots, and I'm pretty sure you're crazy about him! I don't know why you wouldn't be, he's a great guy! I know you've been having some problems lately, but that's no excuse for this. But I think I know what this is – you're upset and angry and confused by your feelings for him, so you're acting all weird and coming to the wrong sorts of conclusions. But I ain't the guy for you, Kitty, that's Batsy. And the sooner you realize that, we'll all be a lot happier. I sure as hell will be, because then I can start kicking the crap outta you to hurt him. That's the kinda relationship me and Bats have, toots – up-front, honest-to-goodness violence, with all the pain straightforward and simple and out in the open. And you want me to change all that by sneaking around and having an affair with his gal behind his back? No, it ain't right, Kitty. It ain't funny, it ain't nothing, and I ain't gonna have any part in it. So just get back to your pad and purr over a couple pictures of me or something, just to get it outta your system. And then if you still ain't over me, go drown yourself in the river. Killing yourself outta love for me really would be a good joke on old Batsy!" he chuckled, turning to go.

"Joker!" snapped Selina, catching him with her whip around the waist and dragging him back to her. "I ain't the kinda gal who takes no for an answer," she murmured.

"And I ain't the kinda guy who plays patty-cake with kitties," he muttered. "I got a lotta kinky fetishes, but bestiality ain't one of 'em!"

"Look, Batman will never find out…"

"Are you crazy?! The guy's the World's Greatest Detective! That's what he does – finds out stuff! He's probably got cameras and radios everywhere! He's probably listening in on us right now, or spying, or…see?" he exclaimed, suddenly noticing a camera in the corner of the roof. "That's probably a Bat-camera! Well, the joke's on him!" he muttered, pulling out his gun and shooting the camera. "Now, if that'll be all, Kitty, I got better things to do tonight besides you. Catch you later, toots," he muttered, climbing off the roof.

Selina stared at the smoking remains of the camera she had set up and sighed. "Darn," she murmured. "And I was still gonna get back at the Bat by sending him that footage of Joker confessing his love for him. Oh well. I'm sure Ivy will have better luck than me."


	3. Chapter 3

The next night, Joker entered his room to see Harley curled up and sobbing on the bed. "What's the matter with you?" he demanded.

She couldn't respond through her tears, just gestured at the computer screen. Joker saw that the document now had some writing on it:

_"But I love you, Joe Kerr!" exclaimed Arleen. "And I can't leave you! I need to spend every moment of my life loving you, now and for always! We're meant to be - I can no longer deny you are my soulmate, my one true love, forever! That may make me a fool, but I don't care…"_

_ "You're no fool, Arleen Kwin," murmured Joe. "I'm the fool, for not realizing it sooner. I do love you, my goddess among women, but we can never see each other again."_

_ "Is it because of B. Mann?" whispered Arleen, tears in her eyes. "Because we can stop him together, I know we can…"_

_ "No, Arleen," he whispered, brushing her cheek and drawing her face close to his. "No, he could never come between us. But I must go. I can't explain why to you right now, but you know in your heart it's the truth. You have to let me go, Arleen."_

_ "No," she breathed. "No, no, wherever you must go, let me follow you. Please. I can't bear to be without you now that I've found you. I'd go crazy!"_

_ "You must trust me to come back," he murmured. "I will come back for you, Arleen. And I'll always love you. Always."_

_ He kissed her tenderly and then he was gone, leaving her alone with her tears and the night_.

Joker turned to look at Harley. "You're crying over something you've written?" he asked. "That may be the most pathetic thing I've ever heard."

"It's sad, you unfeeling jerk!" sobbed Harley. "The characters are very relatable, and it's a completely tragic thing to have to happen to them! Forced to be separated because of some big bully not letting them just live and love in peace…" she broke off sobbing again.

"You don't think your readers are gonna try to read between the lines of this, pooh?" said Joker. "Maybe see it as a story about you and me and Batman…"

"People always say to write what you know," muttered Harley, wiping her eyes. "So that's what I'm gonna do."

"I don't even know why you wanna write a novel in the first place," retorted Joker.

"It's a good get rich quick scheme, puddin'," she replied. "Much easier than planning a bank robbery or anything. And I feel like there's a least one novel inside me – like I've got a story to tell and I'm the only one who can write it."

"But if it upsets you this much, pooh, maybe writing just isn't for you," he said. "You have a lot of other talents."

"You really think so, Mr. J?" asked Harley, beaming.

"Sure I do," he said, nodding. "Like…um…you…er…"

"Well?" snapped Harley, eyes narrowing.

"Hang on, I'm thinking," he muttered. "There's gotta be something…"

She struck him hard across the face. "You got a good punch, kid!" he exclaimed, beaming. "That's a talent!"

"I hate you, Mr. J!" she shrieked, rushing from the room and sobbing. "You're a cruel, selfish, heartless monster, and I hate you!"

Joker shrugged and began to get dressed. He paused before spraying on his cologne, wondering if that had had anything to do with Selina's strange advances the previous night. Sandalwood was sometimes thought to be an aphrodisiac.

"Nah," he muttered, shaking his head to dispel the thought and spraying on the cologne. "That's crazy."

He strolled past the bathroom door where he heard Harley sobbing, and knocked on it. "Pumpkin pie, I'm just off to see Pammie!" he called. "Said she wanted to speak to me about something – shouldn't be back too late!"

"I hope you never come back, you horrible creep!" she shouted back.

"Aw, I love you too, baby!" he chuckled. "Bye!"

Joker knocked on the door of Ivy's house. It swung open and slammed shut after him. All was dark inside. "Pammie?" he called. "You here?"

There was no response. He went down the hall and entered the living room, which was also shrouded in darkness. "Pammie?" he repeated. "Did you forget to pay your electricity bill this month? Or do you just like the dark because it hides your wrinkles? I'm pretty sure that's why the Bat loves it so much," he chuckled.

A light suddenly snapped on to reveal Poison Ivy posed on the sofa, one arm raised above her head, and wearing nothing but a thin green negligee. She smiled at him. "Hello, Joker," she breathed.

"Holy…melons, Batman!" gasped Joker, stunned for the second time in two nights.

Ivy grinned. "Like what you see?" she purred. "It's ok, you can touch. Squeezing fruit is the only way to tell if it's ripe, y'know."

"You drunk or something?" Joker demanded. "Since when have you ever wanted anything to do with me? We hate each other!"

"Mmm, I don't hate you, J," she whispered, raising a hand. Joker was suddenly seized by vines, which pulled him toward Ivy. "In fact, I want your seed planted in my garden. Right now," she breathed, tugging at his bowtie.

"Now just cool it, Pammie!" he snapped, shoving himself away from her. "And tell the weeds to lay off! I don't like being felt up by a bunch of roots, unlike some people!"

"Yeah, I'm sick of the roots, J," she breathed. "I need a real man to water me. Someone strong and powerful and funny. I like a funny guy," she whispered, standing up and coming over to him.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he demanded. "You and the Kitty both wanting to get down with the clown…I mean, I know I'm gorgeous, but I don't understand why you both are just suddenly realizing it!"

"Maybe we've both just come to our senses," she whispered. "Anyway, don't look a gift horse in the mouth. And speaking of mouths…" she breathed, bringing her lips towards his.

"Look, back off, toots!" he snapped, shoving her away again. "This is obviously some kinda gag, and I ain't gonna go along with it until I find out what the punchline is! I ain't the kinda guy who takes kindly to jokes being played on him, and this can't be just because of the new cologne. So you just sit there and don't try anything and let me think!"

Ivy stared back at him in surprise. "Because of the what?"

"Sit down!" he shouted. She obeyed, and he began to pace back and forth. "What's the joke?" he muttered to himself. "What's the joke?"

"J…" began Ivy.

"Don't interrupt me when I'm soliloquizing!" he shouted, rounding on her furiously. "Only the Bat can do that!" Ivy was shocked into silence.

"Joke," he continued. "Gotta be a joke. But a joke on whom? On me? I don't know why sex with two hot women would be a joke on me. On the Bat, maybe? Good theory for Kitty, not so much with Pammie. Pammie…hmm…Pammie knows I'm a one-woman loon in a committed relationship, so why…"

He broke off, smiling. "Ah. A joke on Harley, is that it, Pammie? You wanna show her how our whole relationship is one big gag, some silly little game that I don't take seriously at all. Yes, I can see that being just your style."

He chuckled. "Well, go ahead then, toots," he muttered, grinning at her. "You're right, I don't take our relationship seriously. And I don't value the little brat more than I do anyone else. You prove that to her, c'mon. Let's see how far you'll take this little joke."

"You really want to cheat on Harley with me?" asked Ivy.

"Yeah," he retorted. "What's the matter, baby? You were begging me for it a second ago. Don't get cold feet now. Come to Daddy," he murmured, holding out his arms and smiling.

"I don't believe you," hissed Ivy. "You heartless, disgusting monster…"

"Yeah, that's good, baby, start with the dirty talk," murmured Joker, grinning. "Daddy loves that. You wanna give me a couple spankings for being such a bad boy?"

"J, you're going to break her heart…" began Ivy.

"Oh no, sweets, we're both going to break her heart," he chuckled. "And you are gonna love it, trust me. You'll be begging me for it hard." He laughed and gestured to the sofa. Ivy didn't move.

"Oh, I get it, you wanna be on top, huh?" he asked, giggling. "I imagine you're that type of gal. It's ok, baby, I enjoy it either way. But I ain't a real huge fan of foreplay. Let's just get down to business, shall we?" he asked, reaching down to undo his belt.

"Oh God, don't!" shouted Ivy, covering her eyes. "Just stop!"

Joker laughed hysterically. "Knew I could call your bluff, Pammie! You ain't got the balls to take a joke all the way!" he chuckled. "At least, I hope not," he added, giggling.

"If I hadn't caved first, you really would have cheated on her, wouldn't you, you horrible creep?" muttered Ivy.

Joker laughed again. "Like I said, I knew I could call your bluff," he retorted, grinning. "Besides, I'm the kinda guy who appreciates a good joke. And what else is Harley but my little joke on the world, and a damn fine one too? You think I'd actually be stupid enough to ruin my best gag? You really must be crazy, Pammie, you know that?"

He left her, laughing. He only stopped laughing once he had returned to his bedroom, where he immediately picked up the bottle of cologne and was about to dump it in the trash, just to be on the safe side.

"Puddin'?" murmured Harley, waking up at the noise. She rubbed her eyes and smiled sleepily at him. "You're back. Whatcha got there?" she asked.

"My cologne. I don't like it," he retorted.

"Mmm, I do," she breathed. "You smell sexy."

He slowly went over to her. "Harley…I've got a question for you, and it's very important for scientific purposes that you answer it honestly…" he began.

"Of course, puddin'," she murmured.

"Are you any more…attracted to me than usual?" he asked.

"I couldn't ever be more attracted to you than usual, puddin'," she whispered, kissing him.

"But does the smell make you wanna make ha ha?" he asked.

"Seeing your face makes me wanna make ha ha," she murmured, nuzzling him. He pushed her away.

"Harley, I'm trying to conduct a serious, scientific study!" he snapped. He sprayed the cologne in her face suddenly. "Now, are you any more aroused than usual?" he demanded.

"I don't…think so…puddin'," gasped Harley, in between coughs.

"Ain't the cologne then," he sighed, putting it down on the table. "Well, that's a relief to know. They must have both just been trying to set up a gag, and failed miserably. But then what can you expect from dames? They ain't funny."

"Who…set up…what?" asked Harley, confused.

"Never mind, pooh, let's just hit the sack," he retorted, undressing. He climbed into bed, kissed her, and murmured, "Goodnight, cupcake." He then rolled over, shutting his eyes.

"Um…Mr. J…I was thinking…maybe we could…um…make a little ha ha now?" Harley asked slowly.

Joker sat up. "Jesus Christ, why are you dames all obsessed with sex?!" he demanded. "I swear it _is_ that damn cologne, and I'm putting a stop to it right now!"

He picked up the cologne and dumped it into the trash, and then headed into the bathroom to take a shower. When he emerged, he returned to bed without a word and rolled over to face away from Harley. He was silent for a long time, but suddenly muttered, "Women, honestly, you're like a pack of goddamn animals! Well, I hope the sea of raging hormones has calmed for you, Harl. Goodnight."

"Goodnight, Mr. J," sighed Harley, rolling over. "Ain't ever gonna get any inspiration for my book," she muttered. "It's hard work being a writer, I tell ya."


	4. Chapter 4

"I have to admit, I didn't think the plan through quite as well as I could have," said Selina Kyle, slowly. "I didn't consider what would happen, for instance, if by some miracle J didn't want to sleep with us. I just assumed we'd have the power over him, rather than the other way around."

"Do you think he's told Harley yet?" asked Poison Ivy. "Do you think that's why she said she's coming to rehearse? To make us think she wants to rehearse, and then suddenly shoot us in the face or something?"

"You really think she'd just kill us out of the blue?" asked Selina.

"For messing with the clown? Yes," retorted Ivy.

"Well, then why did you let me go along with my plan?" demanded Selina. "I was upset and not thinking straight – why did you just blindly go through with something that would lead to our own destruction?"

"Because I, like you, didn't think it was possible that J would refuse our advances!" snapped Ivy. "It doesn't make any sense!"

"Which is exactly what we should have expected from the clown, really," sighed Selina.

"Look, we can't live in fear of them," said Ivy. "When Harley arrives, we're just going to calmly and reasonably explain to her why we did what we did. I'm sure she'll understand. And if she doesn't, there are two of us to one of her. We can take her."

At that moment, Harley strode into the rehearsal room. "Hi, Red! Hi, Selina!" she said, cheerfully.

"Look, Harley, about what happened…" began Selina, but Harley held up a hand.

"Don't you worry, Selina, I'm not angry with you. Let's just forget about it, ok?" she said, smiling. "It wasn't a very nice thing to do, but it's over now, so let's just let bygones be bygones."

They both stared at her. "Really?" asked Selina. "You're…over it?"

"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?" asked Harley, shrugging. "You know me and Mr. J – we both can't hold a grudge. And if he's ok with it, why shouldn't I be?"

"Wow, Harley…that's really mature," said Ivy, slowly. "I gotta say, I'm impressed."

"Well, I'm a really mature gal, Red," said Harley, smiling. "Emotionally mature, of course, I don't mean old. Now are we gonna rehearse or not? I really wanna win this talent show. I'm doing a solo entry, and one with Mr. J, plus this one – three times the chances of winning, am I right?"

"Yeah…sure," stammered Selina, who looked at Ivy and then shrugged. "Well, we'd better get to work. I'm so glad you're not mad, Harley."

"Well, I am mad for Mr. J, of course," giggled Harley. "But I ain't a mean-spirited gal. And what would I do without my two best friends in the world? I won't let a little unpleasantness like that get in the way of our friendship. It's too precious to me."

Harley draped an arm each around Ivy and Selina and hugged both of them. And that was when the Joker entered the room. He laughed.

"Well, you really must be desperate, trying a little girl on girl action with Harley to get me in the mood! I warn you, I might not say no this time!" he chuckled. "Pammie, good to see you've got the fruit covered today, or as much as you normally do anyway. And Selina, the last time we met your greeting was so much friendlier! Wanna repeat it?" he said, grinning and holding out his arms.

"Shut up, clown," growled Selina. "Harley already said she's over it."

Joker chuckled madly. "And just what is it you're over exactly, pooh?" he asked, beaming at Harley.

"Selina calling you names, of course," said Harley. "Why? Did something else happen that I don't know about?"

"No," said Selina, hastily. "No, nothing at all. We're rehearsing now, J, so if you wanna leave…"

"No, I think I'd rather stay and watch you rehearse," he replied, taking a seat in the audience and smiling. "Since you're all three so hospitable toward me, you won't object to that, surely?"

"I dunno what you mean, Mr. J," said Harley, eyebrows narrowing in confusion. "When have Selina and Red ever been hospitable to you?"

"It's a joke, Harley, he's making it up," said Ivy, hastily. "Selina, just start the music, would ya?"

"Yes, go on, ladies, let's see your moves," he chuckled. "It'll be nice to watch this and think that if Harley and I ever split up, I'll have two more really flexible dames ready and willing to get physical with me."

"What do you mean, Mr. J?" asked Harley. "We ain't ever splitting up, but if we did, Red and Selina don't want you. They're always saying such mean things about you. They wouldn't lie to me like that, or go behind my back and get together with my ex. They're my friends."

Joker giggled. "Will you tell her or should I?" he asked Ivy and Selina.

"We're starting from the beginning of the routine," said Selina quickly, reaching for the music.

"Tell me what?" asked Harley, intercepting her hand and looking from Ivy and Selina to Joker. "What should you tell me?"

Joker laughed. "I'll do it then," he said, standing up. "It grieves me to be the bearer of sad tidings, pooh, being such a happy guy myself, but your so-called friends there have been lying to you. The past two nights these two ladies have individually tried to seduce me. I refused, naturally, because I'm always true to my Harley girl, and frankly I'm shocked and disappointed that people who call themselves your friends would want to ruin your happiness by fooling around with your boyfriend behind your back. Now me, I ain't got friends, and look how happy I am because of it."

He chuckled, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a cigar. "And now I'm gonna sit back and watch the fireworks," he murmured, grinning.

Harley stared at him in disbelief. Then she looked from Ivy to Selina. "Is that true?" she breathed. "Red? Selina? He's not joking, is he?"

"He's…" began Ivy.

"But it's not what you think, Harley, it's not because we wanted to sleep with him," said Selina, hastily. "We were just trying to prove to you that he wasn't worthy of you, and that he would cheat on you given the opportunity."

"But he didn't," muttered Harley, her face darkening. "He didn't. And you tried to…"

"Selina kissed me, pooh," said Joker, nodding at her. "And I could describe Pammie's torso to you in pretty accurate detail. Particularly the chest area," he added, grinning.

"You…he…you…" stammered Harley, her expression of shock and horror gradually changing to one of intense fury. "You…"

Joker chuckled, lighting his cigar. "Houston, we have liftoff!"

"I'LL KILL YOU!" screamed Harley, suddenly leaping at them both. They dodged in opposite directions, making Harley land on her face, but she scrambled to her feet and raced after them, seizing Ivy by the hair and dragging her to the ground. She started throttling her, but Selina hit her, knocking her off Ivy.

"Harley, calm down…" Selina began, but was cut off as Harley punched her in the jaw. Selina swiftly retaliated, scratching at Harley's face, but Harley ducked and kicked her in the stomach, sending her crashing against the wall.

"Atta girl, Harl!" cried Joker, eyes shining as he clapped his hands and giggled. "Make 'em pay, pumpkin pie!"

Ivy had tried to grab Harley from behind, but Harley flipped her over her shoulder, sending her crashing to the ground. She then backflipped over to Joker, reached into his jacket and turned to point the gun at Ivy and Selina, who were both struggling to their feet, winded.

"You give me one good reason why I shouldn't shoot you both in the face!" hissed Harley.

"Um…you'll only have two chances of winning the talent show instead of three?" suggested Selina.

"You think I have any intention of performing with you two now?!" screamed Harley. "You tried to make my boyfriend cheat on me! You're supposed to be my friends and you tried to seduce him behind my back…"

She sobbed, lowering the gun slightly. Ivy took a step forward and Harley raised it again. "Don't!" she hissed. "Don't try to comfort me or talk to me, just…don't! How could you do this to me?! How could either of you try something like that?!"

"Harley, we were only trying to help…" began Ivy.

"Help?! By ruining my happiness?!" shrieked Harley. "Why can't you both just leave us alone?! Why can't everyone just…leave us alone?!"

She suddenly threw the gun away and fell to her knees, sobbing into her hands. Joker came over and hugged her. "There, there, pumpkin pie," he murmured. "It's ok. Daddy's here. And he would never let the mean old plant or the mean old cat hurt you."

Harley embraced him tightly. "I love you, Mr. J," she sobbed. "I love you!" She rounded on Ivy and Selina, furiously. "And Mr. J loves me, and I will never, ever forgive you two for…" She broke off crying again.

"We are sorry, Harley, really," murmured Ivy. "Selina was saying before you arrived how it was a stupid idea…"

"I was acting out of heartbreak," muttered Selina. "Me and the Bat, y'know…"

"That's no excuse!" shrieked Harley.

"No, I know it isn't," she agreed. "But people do stupid things when they're hurt…it was a mistake, Harley, and one that neither of us is going to repeat. And there was no harm done, not really."

Harley shook her head violently. "No. No, I ain't letting you off that easy. You two betrayed my trust and tried to break my heart! It's probably the most terrible thing a human being can do to another person! I dunno why I should ever forgive you!"

"J breaks your heart and betrays your trust all the time, and you forgive him!" snapped Ivy.

"He loves me!" she shrieked. "But you two can't possibly care about me if you would try something like this! You're the ones who don't respect me and my relationship, not him! So next time you wanna prove people are cruel and heartless, why doncha you just take a look in the mirror?! C'mon, Mr. J, we're leaving!" she snapped, seizing his hand and dragging him away.

"Harley, please!" shouted Selina after her. "Isn't there anything we can do to make things right?"

Harley stopped and turned to glare at them. "I'll think about it," she snapped. "I don't like to hold grudges, but I can't pretend everything will just be ok after this! You can't hurt me and just expect me to take you back! What kinda pathetic doormat do you think I am?!"

She stormed from the room. Ivy and Selina shared a look. "How long does she usually stay mad at J?" asked Selina.

"About a day. Two if he's been really horrible," retorted Ivy. "If we double that for us, we might just have another day of rehearsal before the talent show."

"Well, fingers crossed," sighed Selina. "Winning this talent show could be just the affirmation I need after being rejected by Batman, J, and Harley. I don't think I've ever felt so worthless."

"Yeah, so much for a woman's reassertion of her confidence and self-esteem," sighed Ivy. "I'm sure if J were here, he'd appreciate the joke."

"I hate him," muttered Selina.

"Oh, I have a feeling our hatred is only going to increase," said Ivy, sadly. "He's never going to let us live it down, Selina. I'm sure the two of us trying to seduce him is a joke he'll never get tired of relating."


	5. Chapter 5

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the First Annual Gotham City Rogues Gallery Talent Show!" exclaimed the Joker. "And it's great to see so many friendly faces from our folks in the law enforcement community here in the audience tonight! Commissioner, how's the family? C'mon, admit it, being able to park in those handicapped spaces in front of the supermarket has been really convenient, hasn't it? It's ok, you can thank me later! And Harvey Bullock, as I live and breathe! Though I don't imagine you'll be able to do either for much longer unless you lay off the donuts, booze, and cigars! You've lost a little hair – wish I could say the same for the weight!"

He laughed and the other supervillains joined in. The police officers, who were tied to their chairs, just glared back at Joker, and Bullock shouted, "You're gonna lose a lot more than your hair when I get my hands on you, you sick freak!"

"Is there anything more pathetic than empty threats?" sighed Joker. "Oh yes, there is!" he chuckled, his face suddenly lighting up. "Got a little story for you, folks, a little stand-up comedy just to get the show started with a few laughs! Now, things more pathetic than empty threats…well, Batman, for one!" The criminals laughed heartily again. "Batman and Robin, that's two! And I got two more for you, two more things more pathetic than empty threats, two things that happened to me just the other day! Not one, but two failed attempts to seduce me! Now I won't be naming and shaming, I ain't the kinda guy to kiss and tell, though I suspect that some of you are thinking it _was_ Batman and Robin, and frankly, you can't be blamed for thinking that – those guys just can't keep their hands off me! I know, it's a big problem for most of you guys too! We should educate them about a little thing called sexual harassment!" He chuckled, and the room roared with laughter. "But seriously, folks, I'm pretty sure Bats is all man. The Boy Blunder…well, here's hoping he'll have the courage to come out of the Bat-closet soon! Anyway, it was two ladies who attempted to seduce me. I say ladies, but I'm not sure the word can be applied to women who try to seduce men in happily committed relationships, so let's not call them that. We'll call one…hmm…Selina K. and the other Pamela I. No, wait, that's too obvious. How about S. Kyle and P. Isley? And any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. But for the joke to work, you gotta imagine that one has a cat fetish, and the other a plant fetish, ok? Now I'm just gonna repeat for you, word for word, the things they said and did to try to turn me on…"

Ivy and Selina, who had been listening in rising horror, now buried their faces in their hands and kept them there throughout Joker's description of what had happened, trying to ignore the laughter from the people surrounding them, both criminals and cops this time.

"This is the most humiliating moment of my life," muttered Selina.

Ivy said nothing – she was too busy planning how she was going to take her revenge on the clown for this.

Joker had finished his story in a fit of laughter, but managed to recover himself before the audience did. He wiped tears from his eyes and said, "All right…all right, people, let's just calm down! It is hilarious, I'm not gonna lie, but this show ain't gonna be all smiles and laughs. And so, without further ado, let's bring on the doom and gloom! And who better to do that than Gotham's most desperate single ladies! Come on up, gals!" he exclaimed, gesturing and grinning at Ivy and Selina.

"We can't go up there – we're going to be laughed off stage," snapped Ivy.

Selina stood up. "Thank you, J, but if you don't mind, we'd rather not perform tonight," she muttered.

"What? You wanna forfeit? Aw, c'mon, Kitty, there's no need to be shy!" chuckled Joker. "Everyone knows you're not!"

"We're missing one of our performers anyway, so it wouldn't really work," snapped Selina. "But thank you for the kind introduction. Just move on to the next act."

She sat back down as the audience continued to giggle. Joker shrugged. "Well, shame the ladies don't feel like obliging us. And they were so keen to perform the other night, too!"

The room burst into laughter again, and it was the final straw for Selina, who stormed out. Ivy remained to watch most of the other acts, but even she was thinking of bailing during Harley's heartfelt but frankly appalling rendition of _I Will Always Love You_. Ivy certainly wasn't the only one with her hands clapped firmly over her ears, and Bullock shouted out, "Jesus Christ, can't you just kill us now?"

"Shut up when I'm singing!" shrieked Harley.

"Is that what you call it?" snapped Bullock. "Because I call it strangling a cat!"

"I bet you ain't ever strangled a cat in your life!" screeched Harley. "It don't sound a thing like that!"

"She's right, it doesn't," agreed Joker. "It sounds much more in tune than that. Aw, c'mon, Harley girl, I'm just kidding!" he exclaimed as Harley threw down the microphone and rushed off stage sobbing.

During the next few acts, Joker must have managed to patch things up with Harley, because they finished the show together, performing the duet of _Be A Clown. _Selina had returned at this point, which was her mistake. Because Joker and Harley came off stage and put the two of them in the spotlight during the verse: "_Be a clown, be a clown, all the world loves a clown! Be a crazy buffoon, and the demoiselles'll all swoon! Dress in huge, baggy pants, and you'll ride the road to romance! A butcher or a baker, ladies never embrace; a barber for a beau would be a social disgrace! They all'll come to call if you can fall on your face! Be a clown, be a clown, be a clown!_"

All in all, it wasn't a good night for Ivy or Selina, nor a night that reaffirmed either of their self-worth. The only upside in Selina's case was that just before prizes could be awarded, Batman crashed the party, sending the villains scattering and giving her and Batman, after the policemen had been freed, a chance to talk about their relationship. Admittedly, Batman was never a man for long conversations, but the little Selina got out of him made her willing to play the game a little longer.

And the next day, Harley invited them both over to talk about their friendship. "Now I haven't completely forgiven you both," she said, sternly, glaring from one to the other. "And if anything like this happens in the future, it's over. Not only our friendship, but your lives. So just stay away from Mr. J."

"Not a problem, Harley," replied Ivy, firmly.

"Great. And now I just need you to do one little favor for me before we're friends again," said Harley.

"Anything, Harley," said Selina.

Harley handed them each a thick document. "I want you two to read my book before I send it off to the publisher, and let me know what you think," she said, smiling. "Be sure to be honest – writers appreciate that more than anything else."

And as humiliating as the night of the talent show had been, it was nowhere near as painful as having to suffer through Harley's terrible magnum opus. But naturally neither Ivy nor Selina was going to tell her it was appalling.

"I was just wondering…are the sex scenes meant to be…um…really horrifying?" asked Selina slowly. "I don't mean badly written or anything, I just mean…they're kinda disturbing and…weird."

"Weird how?" asked Harley, frowning. "If you're gonna give me criticism, it needs to be constructive."

"Um…well, here for instance," said Selina, flipping to a page. "_He did things with a whoopie cushion you wouldn't believe_…and then you go on to…um…describe the things he does with a whoopie cushion. Sexually. It's just a bit…um…what would you say, Ivy?"

"Sick," retorted Ivy.

Harley looked from one to the other of them, puzzled. "Oh. Don't other people think whoopie cushions are sexy?"

"No," snapped Ivy. "It's not a relatable fetish, Harley, it's going to do the opposite of your intention and turn your readers off."

"How do you know what my intention is?" snapped Harley. "The Author is Dead, ain't ya ever heard of that theory?"

"A man can dream," sighed Joker, entering the room at that moment.

"Puddin', I was just letting the girls read my book," said Harley, beaming at him.

"Did you finish it?" he asked them. "I didn't get past chapter eight. That bit with the exploding toilet was good, but it was all downhill from there."

"Mr. J thinks the parts with the whoopie cushion are good, doncha, Mr. J?" asked Harley.

He shrugged. "They're fine. I don't really believe in reading erotica to get in the mood – it's so much easier just to start being randomly violent."

"Aw, but you liked it last night, didn't ya, puddin'?" cooed Harley. "It gave you a lotta inspiration, didn't it?"

"Look, I understand if you want to just keep this as a private thing between the two of you," said Ivy. "But I wouldn't share it with the world if I were you."

Harley frowned. "But what's the point of writing a book if I ain't gonna make any money outta it? You thick, Red?"

"I just don't think it's going to be particularly popular, and I'd hate for you to have to deal with the rejection of the masses," said Ivy. "It could be crushing."

"I'm a big girl, Red," retorted Harley. "And if they don't like it, me and Mr. J will just keep blowing up buildings until they do, huh, Mr. J?"

Joker laughed. "My little pumpkin pie knows what her Daddy likes," he chuckled, kissing her.

"Yes, well, I don't think either of you have any idea what the public likes," retorted Ivy. "You go ahead and publish it, Harley, but don't say I didn't warn you."

And for the second time in as many weeks, Ivy and Selina's certainties were proved wrong. Shortly after its publication, Harley's novel rose to the top of the bestseller list, and was praised by critics as being "a perfect satire of the mindless, shallow, and cliched erotic romance genre that the public has been subjected to in recent years. _Love's Wacky Fury_ is a masterpiece of its kind."

"See, I told ya they'd love it, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley, reading the reviews in bed that night and beaming.

"But you didn't mean for it to be a satire, pooh," said Joker, his attention fixed on his own book.

She shrugged. "Who cares? They love it, and it's making us money. If the public wanna read it like that, who am I to question them?"

"In the immortal words of P. T. Barnum, no one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public," said Joker, turning a page.

"I think that was H. L. Mencken, puddin'," replied Harley, not looking up from her reviews.

He looked at her, eyes narrowing. "Oh, I get it!" he snapped, throwing down his book. "Now that you're a famous writer, you think you're smarter than me, huh? You think you know better than I do?"

"No, puddin', but we studied him in college," said Harley. "It was H. L. Mencken, I promise."

"Oh, la di da, Little Miss College!" he snapped. "Listen, just because you got some fancy degree don't mean you know more than I do! And I'm telling you it was Barnum!"

"It was Mencken!" she snapped.

He punched her suddenly and she retaliated, knocking him back on the bed. He seized the bedside lamp and smashed it in her face, but she managed to grab the lamp cord and threw it around his neck, pulling it tight. He choked, struggling against her as his hand reached under his pillow. He whipped out his gun and started firing at her wildly. She jumped off him, leaping around the room to avoid the shots. When he ran out of bullets, he threw the gun at her, but she flipped out of the way and then jumped back onto the bed, kicking him in the face. He grabbed her leg in mid-air and twisted it, and she fell onto the bed with a cry. He climbed on top of her and wrapped his hands around her neck, strangling her. He tightened his grip around her throat as he hissed, "It was Barnum!"

"You're such an idiot!" gasped Harley. "It was Mencken!"

"You tell me it was Barnum, you little brat, or I'm gonna choke the life outta you!" he hissed.

"You go ahead and do that, but you'll still be wrong!" hissed Harley.

He squeezed harder, and Harley suddenly gasped, "Oh, yes! Oh, that's it! Oh, harder, puddin'!"

He suddenly shoved his mouth upon hers. The next hour was absolute bliss for Harley, who lay in his arms afterward and whispered, grinning, "Now that's how a gal seduces you, Mr. J."

He chuckled. "And nobody else can do it but you, pooh. Go to sleep now," he said, kissing her and rolling over.

She snuggled up against him. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered.

"And I love you, Harley, even though you're wrong about it being Mencken," he yawned.

"It _was_ Mencken, puddin'," she whispered.

"No, it was Barnum, pumpkin pie," he murmured.

"Mencken," she retorted.

"Barnum," he replied.

She was silent for a long time until she thought he had dropped off, and then whispered, "Mencken."

He sighed heavily. "No sleep tonight, I see," he muttered. "Because it was Barnum."

"Mencken," said Harley, firmly.

She felt his hands ball into fists and smiled.

**The End**


End file.
